What to say about this book...
First I have to say that I bought all three books a few years ago at the airport without having heard anything about them. I read the cover text and got interested.
I don't know why but I didn't start reading the books and they just made my shelf look good.
When a year ago a colleague told me how good the first book is and that I have to read it I wasn't sure whether I should or not, because it sounded like a porn. She told me that this isn't the case and it's not all about SM.
I heard so many People - who didn't read the books - say that it's just about SM and porn and sex and whatever. And People who read the books have been in love but couldn't tell me why.
This week I have read the first book without knowing what it's really about. I can understand why someone who didn't read it would think it's just about sex, but boy they got it so wrong.
During the whole time reading this book I had to smirk and I was so intrigued by the characters and their story.
I think a lot of woman see a little bit of themselves in Ana. Such loving humble person. She is a young inexperienced woman who is unconfident about her body and finds the first love in a man which never experienced love in any way and thinks he isn't worth of loving. He had a hard time growing up and he never saw himself worth of the family which adopted him. He worked hard but never seemed to make himself fit into this perfect family.
I had the feeling that Christian Grey is confused about this unknown emotions and doesn't know how to react. He thinks he can continue living his life the way he knows it but it seems that those new feelings are getting in the way. It scares him. He is afraid of the unknown and that he might lose someone he doesn't want to lose without knowing how to stop her from slipping away and changing himself. It would be the easiest thing if he could control Ana and she wouldn't defy him, even if he likes her challenging him.
Ana on the other hand wants to enjoy her first love and be passionate in her first relationship. She struggles with her love toward Christian and her anger and sadness about his past. Ana is scared of Christian and so confused about his constant mood changes.
I understand how she feels. I know how it is to be in love with someone who is bad and dangerous. You refuse to believe it and pretend that he isn't as bad as you think. Ana doesn't want to lose Christian and tries to please him in changing herself and giving up some of her characteristics. Too scared to roll her as at him – he would punish her – she always has to be careful about her actions and reactions. To be trapped between love and fear, that isn't healthy. She knows it and still can't let go of him. Desperately she wants to make the relationship work.
A 'normal' relationship is new for Ana and Christian. Both have never been in one before. Ana want's to enjoy it and love Christian in every way she can. Christian on the other side is so fucked up that he can't or won't. They both don't know how a normal relationship looks like and I believe that if Ana had a boyfriend before christian, she wouldn't let herself be dragged into this emotional mess.
In the end, it escalates and it's all too much for her.
At some time we always come to that point where we have to give up. When we know it doesn't work and it is hopeless. It is so hard. If we can stop everything before we fall apart, that is important, otherwise we lose ourselves and we hardly are able to step out of the dark.
Afterward it often feels wrong to run away from someone we love because we still don't see the bad, just the good sides. But sooner or later we will realize that it was the right choice. The only choice to be who we are and want to be.
I love the book for so many reasons. It is passionate, it reminds me of my first love and bad guys. It gives me chills and also hope. It makes me smile and angry at the same time. And from my experience I've made so far, I can say that I would have made the same mistakes and choices Ana made in this book. Because we try everything for our love to work. And we just learn from our mistakes.
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